BEING A DICK

I was watching a movie, the title escapes me…but I remember a line a woman had when talking to a man and referring to his penis….”I don’t know how you guys live with that thing between your legs”. What a great line and a genuine observation. Having a dick ain’t easy. I mean sure we can pee just about anywhere comfortably, but besides that, it can be really annoying. To provide more insight, Innocent Thoughts of a Guilty Man presents: " Being a Dick".

int. apartment bedroom - day

DAVID ANTHONY wakes up to the sound of his facebook messenger going off. DICK is also up due to what he calls, "Morning Wood".

DICK

Hey, hey, I see you up.

DAVID ANTHONY

I see you're up too.

DICK

Damn right I'm up. You know what we should do today?

DAVID ANTHONY

What's that Dick?

DICK

The same thing I tell you to do everyday. Try and get some ass.

DAVID ANTHONY

You know what Dick. I'm not in the mood for your shit today. I have a lot to get done. I have no idea what I am going to write for today's blog, I've got to get to work, and I we don't have any prospects to get some ass. So be quiet.

DICK

Well you need to get off your ass and go find some ass, because I'm tired of being jerked around here.

DAVID ANTHONY

Eat a dick Dick.

int. corporate office - day (later)

David Anthony works diligently at his desk when Dick, unprovoked, decides he's going to stand up and speak.

DICK

What the f*ck are you doing?

DAVID ANTHONY

I'm working Dick.

DICK

Working on bagging some hoes?

DAVID ANTHONY

No Dick. I don't want any hoes, I want someone special.

DICK

Every woman with a vagina is special to me.

DAVID ANTHONY

We know Dick. We know.

DICK

I'm just saying, you exercise your body on the regular, why can't I get my "exercise"?

DAVID ANTHONY

Seriously, this is an office, it's not the time for you to be parading around.

DICK

I don't give f*ck where we at. You shouldn't have worn these pants, you know they rub me right.

DAVID ANTHONY

I look good in these pants.

DICK

No, I look good in these pants.

DAVID ANTHONY

Go away Dick!

int. bar - happy hour - evening

David Anthony sits at the bar having a drink. Several drinks. A pretty girl sits next to him.

DICK

I smell vagina.

DAVID ANTHONY

Easy Dick. Be cool. We're only here for a few drinks.

DICK

Nah, screw that. Do your thing.

DAVID ANTHONY

Absolutely not. Brain, please tell Dick to shut the hell up.

BRAIN is drunk.

BRAIN

Huh, what? Oh, um...nah Dick is right...you should say hello.

DAVID ANTHONY

Dammit. I hate when you two are working together. That's it. We're going home.

BRAIN

Nooooooo don't be such a baby.

DICK

Come on man seriously, we are way to sexy not to be getting any.

DAVID ANTHONY

Both of you guys suck. I'm out.

David Anthony leaves the bar.

int. apartment bedroom - night

David Anthony gets ready for bed.

DICK

You know what? The next time you get some ass, I'm gonna act up.

DAVID ANTHONY

You better not.

DICK

You don't control me. I'm gonna come real quick and go to sleep.

DAVID ANTHONY

Dick don't make me beat you.

DICK

Oh you'd like that wouldn't you ya self abuser?

David Anthony lays down.

DAVID ANTHONY

Good night Dick.

DICK

Yeah whatever. Get some sleep, you are going to need it for tomorrow.

DAVID ANTHONY

Why, what are we going to do tomorrow?

DICK

The same thing I try to do every day fool, try and get some ass.

David Anthony goes to sleep.

THE END.

*special shout out to Chris Brown for that hilarious picture*

*Innocent Thoughts of a Guilty Man*