INNOCENT THOUGHTS OF A GUILTY MAN

He lay in bed next to her, neither speaking nor moving. He noticed that she covered herself to leave the room, something in the past she would have never done. But this wasn't the past, or was it? Perhaps they had slipped off into this alternate reality where they simply couldn't move on from each other, where they couldn't let each other go. He searched for meaning to it all as she searched for her underwear. For him it all still meant something, and for her nothing. She said goodbye as easily as she said hello, and he... well he masked his hurt with clever jokes and witty lines. He lay in bed next to her, neither speaking nor moving. He wanted desperately to hold her, but every time he tried to touch her his hands would simply go through her...as if he were literally grabbing at the past...trying to clench to it... The laughter sounded the same, the smiles looked familiar, and the inside jokes were still inside... and yet... nothing felt like the present...it was back t...

He loved her. That alone was the problem, and the solution. It was his greatest strength, and his most vulnerable weakness. The selfishness of his love was terrorizing him... holding him hostage and greedily unwilling to let him go. Her love reminded him of the ocean, at times clear and pure and easy to see, and then dark and murky, full of danger and unknowns. Like waves crashing into the shore as he stood on the wet sands. Sometimes the water would gently come up to his feet, and other times the waves would rush in almost knocking him over. He stood on the edge of the water always cautious and yet always care free. No matter the temperature he would surely run right in given the chance. He hated who he was with her, but he loathed who he was without her. The lonely sailor lost at sea. Surrounded by the endless depths it became hard to tell where the ocean stopped and the sky began. And this is how he felt with her, as if up were down and down were up. Certainly he would love to find ...

He was done being a player, said he ready to retire, Plus he met bad chick, she was everything he desired. So he cut off all the other women, dedicated all his time. Spitting game in her ear, she was feeling all his rhymes, Getting all his time, he was spending every dime, He would stop whatever he was doing if she ever rang his line. But that don't even make sense, this is what his boys said, Because she a man-eater, and she'll leave you heart dead. But little did he care, he was caught up in her web, Becoming petrified every time she gave him head, And her sex in the bed, only made him fall worse. Witchcraft in her eyes yeah she hit him with a curse. Talking bout', Do you love me? She whispers in his ear. Her thighs straddled around him he ain't going nowhere. Mr. Do Right and can you blame him I mean he trying? Loving so good and it can't help but him leave him blind. And so in love, happy with the choice that he made, He plain forgot all ...

She keep on blowing up my phone, She probably think that I ain't home, She yelling   where the fuck you been? I yell out what fuck you want? See you ain't call me in a while, And you barely ever speak. I been out here on my grind, You probably grinding on them freaks See, miss me with that shit. You probably don't even miss me, shit If you looking for a compliment, That's exactly what you won't get. Cause I told you from the start, I'm gonna be just who I am, I'm trying to squeeze that ass, I'm not trying to hold your hand. You always trying for romance, Yeah you always on your scheme, But you not dealing with reality, You too caught up in your dream. Oh that's how you wanna play? Oh that's what you got to say? So now you don't care at all, But when we be fucking in them sheets You be staring in my eyes, As I rock that ass to sleep You say   "this pussy got me weak" And that I...

He posted in the group, "Are there any good black women left"? And they answered " hell yes, but all you niggas is deaf". It's like we screaming to be heard, but y'all don't ever listen.. No all y'all want is Jordan, you never checking for Pippen. Yeah maybe he not a star, but he be playing his role. He not selling a million shoes, but yet he's rich in his soul. You too caught up in Power, you fall in love with a Ghost, So when he disappear on you, so do your dreams and your hopes, And be like, y'all brothers ain't shit, ya' so quick, To slide up in every girl that be sweating your dick. With your Tinders, and Happn, all you do is swipe, Good girls get left, when them hoes get you right. And you right, them hoes is everywhere, they always there, But we talking about the good ones who act like they don't care. I mean we out here but when we text we can't get a reply, You too busy in the DM's of some terrib...

It's not you it's me he said, As he wiped the tears from his eyes. I keep repeating the same mistakes he said, It's high time I realized. That this won't work, this won't do, It's always me, it's never you. I see the clues, where are my shoes? It's time that I left, I think I should move, Cause we just go round n' round ' round n' round You pick me up, you put me down. And I act just like a child, No I can't be your baby now. Cause I don't feel like a man when I'm with you, I don't like who I am when I'm with you, And it's not you it's me, I don't mean to come off disrespectful. It's just I know now what the problem is, And the problem is us being we. I've been fighting for us to be together, But that's just not meant to be. So let me say good bye to you, Let's share a cry or two And when they ask what happened, You can say it's me, it's not you.

I think I found One, I think I found the One, But when you solve that problem there's plenty more that come. Cause what about them other girls, what about the other one's? The one's that be asking questions but the answer never comes? Like "what are we? Do we go together? Are we more than friends" How do you tell them that what you had has to come to end? You been sexing but they been trying to make love to your soul, But it's too deep for them to reach and that water way too cold. But this other girl she able to swim  muchdeeper then them, She got past all your guards and she jumped over that fence, And she's been knocking down the walls you built due to other broads And with her love and laugh she managed to get rid of them all, She took away the pain, she blew away the rain, Brought sunshine back into your life, and chased the clouds away. But these "situationships" that I've allowed my self to build, With these other gir...

You ever have somebody that you love but you can't love? Someone you wanna touch but you can't touch? Cause you already seen them go through too much, And you know you just as bad you'd be too much? I wish I could talk to you everyday, I wish that I could but I can't. I thousand times I love you is what I'd say, But you better off being with him. She be at church on Sundays, I be at the beach on Sundays, You know I have Sunday funday's The too drunk to wake up Monday's. But she loves everything that I do, What a feeling to have a woman who supports you, But I couldn't write a story that would due, That would be good enough to afford you. Because your love is priceless, And your smiles as bright as the sun, But one day we won't be able to joke around, About how we wish you'd have my son. And I know you've been in love before. Hell you've been in love once more, So you probably nervously thinking, It's last cal...

My heart and my head rarely walk hand in hand, As if my head lives in the city and my heart's laying in the sand. And L.A. has too much traffic so I can't do the back and forth, My heart says settle down but my head keeps me on course. Let's agree to disagree, let me be and I'll let you be. All you give us is regret you been wrong since 23. Remember the pretty girl that you swore was gon' hold you down? Well she did, but under water, love damn near made us drown. But I got us back on course, use your head and try to focus, Keep putting pen to paper, put the whole world on notice. Yeah I know this, the flow is dopeness, but it pumps from my heart, So while you're trying to keep us focused, I stay doing my part. And all ask is where's the love, you know I run off the love? Without me you can't function, I give you all the blood. Hold up now, you tripping, you know how you always sipping, Stay singing drunk and love, you been making bad de...

He stared at his computer wondering where he wanted to go next, as if he really didn't already know. Perhaps he would just peep at her page and check in on her. After all, she was definitely checking in on him. "Maybe I should do something wild", he thought. Post a racy picture or make an ambiguous statement that might draw her out of her cave and back into his life. It's ironic how sometimes the one person you want to speak to the most, is the one person you promised yourself you were not going to speak to at all. Like an epic stand off in the old western days, both of you hands on your gun, waiting for the other to move. It's petty for sure that two people who have feelings for each other result to these kinds of games. But this was life in the now. Sneak dissing and sub-tweeting, being seen just by all in hopes that you are seen by the one. He types the first few letters of her name into the search box and sure enough she pops up in the screen. Her pictu...

He wanted to fall in love so damn fast, He was willing to make the wrong choices. He wanted to fall in love so damn bad, He was ignoring all of the voices. All of the voices in his head, Telling him that he should slow down, But everybody else so far ahead, He didn't wanna be the one left out. See he had a plan for his life, Yeah he had everything worked out. But life don't really care about plans, So naturally things ain't work out. Now he's on the edge of Thirty, Every girl he meets could be the one. So he rushes to fall in love early, Dating is painful it's no longer fun. Cause he was supposed to get married by thirty, First child by the age of thirty - two, A house with a sensible mortgage they could carry, Now she pregnant with child number two. Two car garage and his and her sinks, House in the suburbs where everybody speaks. Family vacations and trips to beach, Hanging Christmas lights on the family tree. He wrote down everything ...

So I was at the bar the other night with a friend, and we started chatting to some girls. After about ten minutes I realized I had nothing left to say. Now this may be a normal thing for some, but not for me. I mean I have game, loads of game. But it's become increasingly obvious to me what the problem is....I don't really have TALK game any more. In this virtual world of die hard social media, I have developed a spectacular text and instant message repertoire. I can't remember the last conversation I have had with a woman on the phone after meeting her in person. From there it's usually straight to text until I see her again. And it got me thinking, what happen to the art of conversation? A buddy of mine texts me all the time. "I'm getting mad text responses from girls". And I'm at home thinking, if text responses was pussy you'd be Wilt Chamberlain. We're a lazy ass society man, it's the whole "Netflix and Chill", gen...

Had a conversation with a friend, she said that nine out of ten, Of the relationships and situationships that couples are in, Aren't even with the people that they want to be with, I had to think for a minute, cause that's some serious sh*t. Cause this is a chick that I got love for and she knows it, Ironically, my heart unavailable for her to go with. She waiting on me to respond but it was such a heavy text, That I had to take the proper time to put it into context. Because the first person you love is often the first person you lose, An immature love, when you were young and confused. And you gave your heart away before you really knew how it worked, Giving up all your love before you even understood all it's worth. So when you got your second chance, to tango with romance, You felt like you had the rhythm, you more prepared to do the dance. But you had a dream, the desire for bigger things, And you tried to take her with you but she don't fit into ...

I wish that I never met her, I wish I'd never seen her smile. I wish that I'd never texted her, I wish I never had dialed. I wish that we never linked up, On that sunny afternoon, I wish you never wore that dress, On that summer day in June. I wish I never held your hand, As we walked through central park, And I wish we never went to dance, And we stayed out after dark, I wish we never, girl I wish we never, Cause if it didn't happen, my heart would feel so better. And I wish we never spent the day, Out at the county fair. And I wish I could forget your eyes, The way you wore your hair... I wish it never happened, The first night that we made love, You were standing in my bedroom, Lingerie and pumps, I wish I could take back, Every lovely kiss I placed, I wish I could un-see, The passion on your face, The movement of your waist, The freaky things you say, The ooooh's the ahhhh's We rocked the night away. I wish we never, girl I wish ...

So I'm on this dating site, perusing through the hundreds of pictures, bouncing from profile to profile. The one thing I notice, is the answer to the question 'FIRST DATE', is very often "Anything but Dinner and a Movie". Now I have a problem with that, because a relationship is like 85% dinner and a movie. What better way to find out if you like a person? Let me explain. I've been in a few serious relationships, like I'm sure most of you have, and sure, there are lots of things that happen within the span of courtship; Vacations, parties, festivals, etc. etc. All fun things you guys do together. But those are like once every other month right? The majority of the relationship is you guys eating a meal together and watching Television, Netflix, and or a movie. You ask a married person, hey what'd you and the wife get into over the weekend? "Oh we just relaxed, laid around the house, watched movies". Finally got a babysitter, gonna ...

I say good morning to her, she says good morning trouble, Yeah, that's the nick name that she gave me. And even though I know I could never properly love her, I still treat her like she's my lady. I'm a distraction to her, and I know that.... I should probably disappear. But it ain't that easy when you're attracted to her, Plus I just love it whenever she is near. She's the perfect woman for me and I know that, But sometimes perfect isn't what your heart wants. But right now it's impossible for me to go back, So being trouble is the only skill that I got. I ask her how her date was, as if I care, I mean I do, but she knows that I don't. Because I don't want any other man to be there, Even though I know that I won't. Selfish right? But what can I do? Troubling to think how I'm trouble to you. Late night I get a text from her, She asking me "where you at?" Funny how if you go looking for Trouble, Trouble ...

So I finally joined Instagram,  Swore to God that I wouldn't do it, I know what it does to a man, And I said that I won't lose it, But I knew it, soon as I did it, And I do it, and I'm so livid, But these girls in all these photos, And they always posing half naked, I don't think that I could be a girl, Better yet, I couldn't be a lady, How you supposed to trust yo man, When these hoes are fucking crazy? And he liking every picture, In her DM like "hey baby" I know you probably gotta man, But your man ain't like me baby. So just keep me in your plans, When you hit my city maybe, We can get up on room, And go half up on a baby. And your relationship status don't matter, So don't let that make you feel safe. Cause it'll still come down choices, When she put it in his face. Choices. So many choices, there's so many choices, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, he's hearing way too many voices... He's got choi...

Look at him, the man you wish you could have, Posting pictures of his kids, he's such a good dad. Loyal to the end, royalty of a man, He's the perfect lover, he's also ya best friend.  But what you don't know is the second phone that he has, The pay as you go one with minutes that he adds, Minutes for the side chicks that you don't know he bags All the hotel fees that he always pays in cash, And he brags, telling his boys about these freaks Saved their names in his phone in code, you gotta be discreet Don't call me too early, my wife ain't even sleep Secret social media pages, just for him to creep You thought you married Superman, Fell in love with the cape, But you ain't prepare for Clark Kent, In his glasses being fake. Another man in disguise, doing things that I despise, But these chicks ain't really no better, there's evil in they eyes Kryptonite between they thighs, pretty eyes and ugly lies, And she plays it so w...

I can see the future, and I know that I can't win I saw it the moment we started, even though I can't see the end But I won't ever pretend, like this is something that's gon' work No this is something that's gon' hurt,  And I'm okay with pain, cause the pleasure validates the worth What I'm saying is your worth it, your smile is damn near perfect, Your love's the sweetest soil, and I'm trying to unearth it But this is mission impossible, loving you is impossible But I'll just keep on trying, knowing it's not possible Everything is stop and go, I should probably stop and go You want me then you stop and go, I'm holding on and letting go How wonderfully terrible, girl come on let's play some more Smile at me the way you do, you know I can't say no to you I wanna give you more and more and more until I smother you Wish I could find another you,  No singer on earth, could ever quite cover you ...

When she left me, she left me with this memory book, A collection of happiness clothed in love. I torture myself, and peek at how the memories look, She said she made it for me, for me to remember us. It sits in the bottom of my closet, All covered in dirt and clothes, And I wish that I could simply disregard it, A simple task it should be, I know. And yet it stays, in the corner of dark places, The picture of it reminds me of an Edgar Allen Poe Poem. It was like her "Tell Tale Heart" was in the pages, And I could hear it beating while I'm sleeping alone. I've managed to throw it in the trash before, Only to see it escape. While scrounging through my closet floor, I find it back in it's space. How did you get back in here memory book, I swear that I threw you away? Do the lovelorn sleepwalk through the night, Longing for the love of yesterday? I take a trip down memory lane, A wonderfully painful trip. Looking at pictures of happy ghost, W...