INNOCENT THOUGHTS OF A GUILTY MAN

He was young and dumb. The most cliché of all cliche's, and yet the honest reality of who he was then. In fact, they were both young and dumb, but isn’t that when love is the best? A young and dumb love, with all of its fullness and richness; its flames not dampened down by the wet hurricane winds of what can only be described as adulthood. It was as pure and simple as the phrase, “boy meets girl”. But boy breaks girl’s heart, into many, many pieces, as boys often do at that age. It hurts him to see her now, all grown up, living a life he plays no part in, in a world he does not exist. He looks into her eyes and he sees his younger self, the silly, idiotic boy with the charming smile and best of intentions. She reminds him of Friday night lights and heavy schoolbooks, of crowded hallways and movie make out sessions. She reminds him of a pureness he had, long, long ago, before the world got to him. Holding her child he can’t help but wonder, who he would have been, who they would h...

"How bitter sweet", he thought as he walked the halls of his alma mater. He stared at the buildings where his education was housed, the quad where he often hung with friends, the streets parked on over and over again. Years had gone by since he'd last been, perhaps too many. Nothing looked the same, and yet somehow, it all still stood in great familiarity. He cracked a smile as he thought about his old loves and the places they made out. The corners used for kissing, the hallways of holding hands... He imagined his younger self, wide eyed and full of hope. He stepped into the chapel where he'd spent hours for talent contest and debates and sat on his favorite row. The chairs were new, but the air was not. He could sense the memories in room, they were in the floors and walls. The emotions were overwhelming as he watched hundreds upon hundreds of people meet with long lost friends. The hugs, the handshakes, the smiles and genuine laughter, a sea of beautiful black peop...

He so unnormal, he so damn crazy, Why he not falling in love, why he not making babies? Getting married to a girl whom he can call his baby? Martin and Gina love boy you so crazy. Like why I can't settle down like I'm supposed to, Find someone to share my life and get closed to But suppose you knew the odds before you got involved, Like half of every marriage is going to be dissolved. So in your mind you just playing the percentages, Living your life free and going wherever the adventure is, But you need somebody you can love and to share it with, But a lovely moment shared with a stranger I strangely cherish it. I'm not saying I'm over love but maybe over the normal, Of the worldly expectations society demands I conform to, Unnormal, and yet still so damn formal, I might fall in love but to be fair I warned you.

I wondered what made it so simple for me. What made it so easy to fall.. fall for her...and her.. and her... I had to believe that it was the understood expiration date of this thing. Did it make her more attractive to me? Was I more attractive to her? It’s the kind of care free mindset you have with a rental car that you have the insurance for... you can drive with reckless abandon, you don't have to worry about changing the tires or the oil, and you just hop in, drive it around, and return it when you are done. Vacation love is unlimited...and yet.. with limits. That’s what I was for her, a nice convertible mustang of a man she could show off to her friends via photos on I nstagram . The best thing about vacation love was that we only had to hit all the highlights of a relationship, we only had to live the good moments. All the things we have grown to enjoy and miss being alone, we would provide for each other. So she reached back for my hand as we walked through the crowd...

What if... when we were making love crazy.. And you whispered in my ear, Don't pull out, lets make a baby. And I obeyed, because you had me dazed, Would we be parents to a kid that simply amazed? Playing patty cake and peek a boo with our child, Doing whatever it takes to make her smile. What if... when you told me you were leaving, Instead of saying go ahead, I got right down on my knees and, Cried out please baby please, Please don't leave I'll give you everything you need. Everything in me, all that I can be. And you saw me drop my pride and you knew, That everything that I was saying was true. So you stayed, and we never fell apart. The love never died and I never broke your heart? What if...when we first met you were single, And instead of shaking hands, We both had time to mingle? Chemistry always great, but the timing never right, But in this scenario we hit it just right, Would we have skated to that slow jam? Both holding hands, Water Runs ...

We'd been talking for so long, We'd been flirting for so many years, And every conversation so strong, But in the back of my mind I feared, That the day would finely come, When we would be back face to face, And you'd remember who I am, And you'd remember how I play. And how I say, everything, Everything you wanna hear, Lean up right against my chest, Let me whisper in your ear. Let me treat you like your dear, Let me treat you right my dear, I can love you better then he can, Where he at cause he not here? Telling lies after lies, And I can see deep in your eyes, That you believe my every word, Yeah you feel that I'm sincere. So you let me in your life, No you let me in your heart, And like a hurricane I blow in, And I tear your world apart. And the winds are blowing heavy, As it's raining down your walls, And we drowning in this moment, Going hard with no regards, And she think we're making love, Because of these words that I m...

He loved the way she slept. “How is that even possible”, he would ask himself? But it was…and he did. He loved everything about the time they spent together, the way his hand fit in hers, the way she laughed when he was being silly, and how she knew his response to something before it even happened. Familiarity can often be a buzz kill, but with her, it was a turn on. It was sexy to them the comfortableness of the space they shared, the coziness of their stare. He loved how when they went to the movies, after each trailer they would look at each other and shake their head yes or no, always on the same page. It was their thing, and although minuscule , he hoped she shared that with no one else. As they lay in bed she turns to her side and lets out a pout, arching her back. A tell-tale sign that she wanted a back rub. Which of course she knew she would get, as he always obliged. Lying there, rubbing her back, kissing her shoulder, deep in the midst of pure intimacy, the picture perfect ...

Brandon had grown tired of the fourteen hour days he had been putting in with little to no help from his co-workers whom conveniently found excuses to leave early every day. So on this particular Friday, with the sun high in the sky and the air summer time warm, he began wrapping things up quietly as to go unnoticed. While everyone else was tied up watching the latest viral video on YouTube he put on the blazer to his well tailored heather grey suit, straightened his navy blue tie, put on his designer shades, and slipped out the back door. A Devilish grin appeared on his face as he stepped into the sunlight, like a prisoner stepping out of the clutches of his capturer, he was free. He made his way through the crowded streets of downtown Manhattan and the seas parted for him as he strutted along towards his destination. He could hear the bass softly as he rode on the elevator going up and up and up. Straight to the top, he thought to himself, taking the time to smooth out his wav...

He loved her. That alone was the problem, and the solution. It was his greatest strength, and his most vulnerable weakness. The selfishness of his love was terrorizing him... holding him hostage and greedily unwilling to let him go. Her love reminded him of the ocean, at times clear and pure and easy to see, and then dark and murky, full of danger and unknowns. Like waves crashing into the shore as he stood on the wet sands. Sometimes the water would gently come up to his feet, and other times the waves would rush in almost knocking him over. He stood on the edge of the water always cautious and yet always care free. No matter the temperature he would surely run right in given the chance. He hated who he was with her, but he loathed who he was without her. The lonely sailor lost at sea. Surrounded by the endless depths it became hard to tell where the ocean stopped and the sky began. And this is how he felt with her, as if up were down and down were up. Certainly he would love to find ...

The days are busy and filled with noise, The chaos of the morning rules. My mind is scattered into a thousand pieces, My thoughts travel the world. The television it distracts, The flashing pictures numb me out. But at the end of the day when you can't be avoided, When I finally lay down to rest. That is where I find you waiting for me, It is the silence that kills me, that is where you hide.

The sun was high in the sky this particular Spring day in Los Angeles with not one cloud to find like one big lemon drop in a big blue ocean. I walked the streets of Hollywood with old friends I had not seen in some time, not since I left the brick laid streets of Baltimore in search of a passion I could not let go of... They often advertise about Dreams and how far they can take you, but they never really mention, that they also can take you far away from people you care about, people you love. After hours of marching through the tourist crowded streets of Hollywood and Highland, laughing at poorly dressed street performers, smiling at the hands in the concrete of the stars who's legacies were cemented in eternity, and jumping back from the people draped in live pet snakes, we made our way to a quiet back street in a tucked away place that only few knew about, those who needed to know. As we came off the elevator to the roof top level the sun seemed closer, the breeze warmer, ...

Conversations about relations that we know we can't have, But I'm still dreaming about the evenings that we walk down the ave'. Hand and hand, woman and man, a casual stroll with my bae, A little bit of wine for us to unwind, tell me all about your day. Let me put a smile on your face, kiss all around your waist, Let's travel to every place, and see the sunset a million ways. See I wanna see the world with you, because you mean the world to me, I look inside your eyes and get a of vision of what the world's supposed to be. With me is where you supposed to be, right here so stay close to me, Let me bathe you with my love and then wipe you down with my poetry. My words carry such potency, but your looks are bound to kill, But we're playing with hypothetical's and we both know dreams are hardly real. But let's get lost in the dream, let's fly away in the fantasy, Let's play make believe, and I believe in you romancing me. Enchanting...

She deserves to be happy, She deserves to be loved, And as much as I know it hurts me, He can do all the above... I was too busy chasing dreams, I was too busy running the streets, I never had enough time to give you, I was investing it all in me. She deserves happily ever after, She deserves the white picket fence, He promised to give you it all, He placed the ring on your hand. I was too busy in the bars, I was too busy in the clubs, Kissing all the girls I didn't like, Instead of the one that I loved, She deserves a family, She deserves a future, He rescued her from her past, And I knew I would lose her, And I hope when you say I do, That you never think of me, And I hope when you say I do, That it's everything you need. Don't look back, don't look back, Girl, don't you worry about me. You will never die in my heart, You'll be living in my dreams. That's why I rush straight through the day, Just so that I can fall asleep. ...

I had read an article explaining that in life, you only get three true loves, and that each love was for a specific reason. It made me wonder, just how many loves I had really had. Oddly enough, it was three. The first love, like many, was my high school sweetheart. "She's the type of girl a guy meets when he's too young and has too much living to do", to quote a favorite TV show of mine. Ironically this love is called our first love, pure and innocent. Ironically, it is also the first girl I probably really ever ruined. Not to say I made her a bad person, but I most definitely shattered her illusions of love and or tainted the very purity of what a first love symbolizes. Our love was easy to manage when our world was small, confined to the hallways of our sacred high school and kept safe from the outside evils that would influence change. Sadly, those walls can't protect you forever, and as we grew, so did the circle in which we resided, and slowly but surely,...

He sat on the train questioning what he was doing, as if he really didn't know. He was making that all too familiar mistake again, his favorite mistake. He was on his way to see her. It had been some time since he’d last seen her, and the last encounter had not gone the way he had hoped. The irony of the Drake lyrics being hummed in his ear, "redemption's on your mind when you think about me", were all too haunting. True she was his favorite mistake, but perhaps, just perhaps, he was hers. A mistake they both would continually make until they got it right or finally gave up. He got off the train to the breezy chill of a spring afternoon by the beach. The air was filled with the voices of friends and family and lovers walking around. People smiling and laughing as if this one day, everyone got to be happy and perhaps he would too. He made his way through the crowds of people growing more nervous with every step closer towards their meeting point. "Be cool", ...

He was done being a player, said he ready to retire, Plus he met bad chick, she was everything he desired. So he cut off all the other women, dedicated all his time. Spitting game in her ear, she was feeling all his rhymes, Getting all his time, he was spending every dime, He would stop whatever he was doing if she ever rang his line. But that don't even make sense, this is what his boys said, Because she a man-eater, and she'll leave you heart dead. But little did he care, he was caught up in her web, Becoming petrified every time she gave him head, And her sex in the bed, only made him fall worse. Witchcraft in her eyes yeah she hit him with a curse. Talking bout', Do you love me? She whispers in his ear. Her thighs straddled around him he ain't going nowhere. Mr. Do Right and can you blame him I mean he trying? Loving so good and it can't help but him leave him blind. And so in love, happy with the choice that he made, He plain forgot all ...

She keep on blowing up my phone, She probably think that I ain't home, She yelling   where the fuck you been? I yell out what fuck you want? See you ain't call me in a while, And you barely ever speak. I been out here on my grind, You probably grinding on them freaks See, miss me with that shit. You probably don't even miss me, shit If you looking for a compliment, That's exactly what you won't get. Cause I told you from the start, I'm gonna be just who I am, I'm trying to squeeze that ass, I'm not trying to hold your hand. You always trying for romance, Yeah you always on your scheme, But you not dealing with reality, You too caught up in your dream. Oh that's how you wanna play? Oh that's what you got to say? So now you don't care at all, But when we be fucking in them sheets You be staring in my eyes, As I rock that ass to sleep You say   "this pussy got me weak" And that I...

Let's pack another suitcase, let's take another trip, You know we get it popping in any city pick. But we heading to Louisiana, where them country girls are thick. But we both some city slickers, they ain't ready for that sh*t. And it's Mardi Gras, we came to here party y'all, Please keep the shots coming cause we here to do it all. And you know how it goes when you light skin and you wavy, And she staring at you thinking about the pretty babies, Making plans for the future, but we making plans too. But our plans end in the morning when the next day comes through, See I'll treat you like a princess baby you are my Cinderella, But when the clock strikes, We both return to the prior status before we met up, But there no tears only thank you's and keep in touch, Because when you're both about the evening, The morning's don't mean that much. Sitting at dinner tables on outdoor patios while it's breezy, Good food, conversation...

Educated young brother he was always thirsty for knowledge, On a quest for the American dream so he went on to college, He earned himself a degree and then went on to get his Master's He had skills in his craft and went on to learn from a master, Rooted in a strong foundation from the day that he was born, It's no wonder he found his passion in his architectural drawing, But just like construction, even when you have instructions Life can take a turn and have you ready for eruption. So he said to me "I know I'm never perfect but still I pursuit it" A man dedicated to his principles and I knew it, on some school sh*t,  We been best friends since we rocked shoulder pads, And now here we stand as much older lads. Both talking about old teammates and how their all Dads Wondering when our time will come and does that make us bad, And I'm mad, because he's too good to be alone. But for his own reason he not ready to make his house...