WHO FARTED???

You're on a date with a beautiful girl. You picked a great restaurant, you ordered the right wine, they seated you at a fantastic table, and the meal was wonderful.....wonderful and greasy. And now...now you have a problem. That bubbly feeling in your stomach is creeping up and you know what's about to happen....you're about to play a mean orchestra of butt trumpet. This is not a good situation to be in...but as always, I am here to help you out and give guidance to issues no other would discuss. Farting is a natural occurrence...but not on a date guys. So here are a few tips on how to handle this situation. 

PREVENTATIVE MAINTENANCE:
The best way to handle having to fart on a date....IS NOT HAVING TO FART ON A DATE!

• PRE-SHIT: If you know you have a big date that night try to have a heavy fiber rich lunch. This way around 3 or 4pm you are on the toilet dropping devil bombs and cleaning out your system. In other words, go to McDonalds and get a couple McDouble's then wait 30 minutes.
• CHOOSY LOVER: When you pick a restaurant peruse the Menu online and select a meal that you know won't make  you gassy. No street tacos with beans and what not. No heavy pastas. 
• KEEP IT FRESH: Nobody uses Binaca any more, and let's face it, it's played out. But buy you some anyway. It's literally a mini deodorizer you can put in your jacket pocket. Think of it as an emergency glass that you can break out in case of emergencies. A fart slips out, you know the smell is about to rise...slip out that Binaca while she's not looking and fire a few shots in your bottom direction. Bam, disaster averted.

IN THE MIDST OF THE FIRE:

Okay, it's too late. You didn't see this article before you went out and you took her to a BBQ house and ordered ribs like a complete jack ass. Now you're having a few drinks and you got mud butt. Fine, I'll save you again. 

• OUT DOOR SEATING: You've got gas, you know you've got gas. Patio seating may very well be your savior. Hopefully there is a nice summer breeze going and it carries away your stench along with all your fears. If not you can blame it on damn near anything else. Where is that smell coming from? Oh there must be a garbage can near by. You see. Lie. But if it's winter and the patio is a no go, you're screwed.
• CROP DUST: You just finished you're ribs and you know it's coming. Suggest a nice walk outside. Then crop dust away. Fire off all shots fellas. Hopefully you can time it with a nice breeze. Maybe there's a nice clothing store nearby. Let her peruse the sales as you maintain a close distance, but far enough away where you can rip off a few rounds by the denim table.
• THE CALL: Normally the call is a move used to get out of a date. You know, you have a friend call you and you pretend it's an emergency. "Oh my God, an accident, what hospital, I'll be right there". You know the one. But this my friends, is a different call, a poop call. Every guy should have a wing-man, and a wing-man doesn't always have to be there with you. You text your wing-man the code word "GAS". He knows what to do. When he calls, tell her it's a business call you've been waiting on all day. She'll let you take it. Excuse yourself from the table and take the call, then when she isn't looking go straight to the bathroom and take the quickest dump possible. If there's a line, simply tell the guys what's going on...man law stipulates that they let you go first. 

And there you have it. Sure fire ways to make sure you don't stank it up on a date. Getting a girl to like you is hard enough without you farting in her face. Good luck out there fellas, may the force be with you.

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