Ain't That Some Sh*t!!!!

Have you ever had to take a shit at work, and to get to the bath room there is always a few desk you have to pass to get there. I hate having to pass those few desks, because I feel like those people are watching me and judging me. Like if I’m in the bathroom too long, they know I was shitting.  You have to look at their faces when you come out the bathroom, those judging eyes.

I’m always paranoid too, I feel like when I go in there they send out an email to the whole office, “that nigga shitting again, with his nasty shitty ass”. The worse is being on the toilet and somebody else comes in the bathroom, and you just freeze up. Why the fuck do I do that?  I’m in the bathroom sitting down on the toilet, my pants over my ankles, what the fuck else could they think I’m doing if not shitting? It’s not like I got caught taking a shit in a dumpster in an alley. This is the bathroom, I’m supposed to do this here.

I’m sitting on the toilet, trying not to make a sound, because I don’t want whoever just walked in to know I’m over here dropping stank bombs.  So you sit there and wait until they are done peeing and leave, and then you continue your shit.  But that’s not as bad as when they come in and sit in the stall next to you, now the both of you are there trying not to be heard taking a shit.

Do you know how fucking stupid, not to mention difficult ,it is to take a quiet shit? It’s ten times harder than squeezing out a quiet fart. Trying to slide out a damn bomb, and you’re  on the toilet squeezing, making that silent grunt. It’s shameful.

Another thing I hate is when you have poor quality toilet paper, and you get shit on your thumb. I mean, what do you do after you get shit on your thumb? You can wash it off, but your thumb is still gonna smell like shit the rest of the day. You know how fucked up the rest of your day will be with a shitty thumb. You just don’t even feel good the rest of the day. Typing on the keyboard, you hold a cup of coffee, everything you touch,  leaving a trail of shit.

Gas is just as bad to have at the office. Especially me, because I never have gas for a short period of a time. If I have gas, it’s for the whole day. You ever have a fart that smells so bad you are actually ashamed of your self? I mean a fart so bad you actually have to stop in the bathroom and check your draws for shit? You could have on clean draws, and let off a fart so bad, you feel the need to change your underwear, even if they passed the shit check, you still change them.

The worse is when you fart in your office, and somebody walks in the office right when the smell is at its strongest. You know sometimes you fart and the smell is not instant, it’s a process, the fart has to make its way up the room. But when that bitch is at full stank, holy shit. Your co-workers walks in and their face changes. They won’t say anything, but you know they smell it. How could they not smell it? Afart smelling like boiled eggs and fried chicken? Ugh….I guess Forrest Gump said it best: SHIT HAPPENS!