When You Can't Get Up
You got the candles lit, the mood music is playing softly, and you and your lady friend are going at it in the bedroom. "This is it", you tell yourself. The moment you been waiting for is here..it's about to go down and you about----wait...wait a minute...what the....ahhhhh nooooooo. It's not something a man will willingly admit, but it's happened to us all. Your little head is not on page with your big head. Whether you been there or you haven't been there yet, (and you will) knowing how to handle that moment is important to maintaining your dignity. So here I am, bravely stepping up to give the fellas some advice.
If this is a girl you really like and your performance is important, here are a few tips (giggity)
- Cough: Just start coughing, I mean cough good. Good enough that you can excuse yourself and get some water. While you are in the kitchen...get your mind right! Get back in there...and handle business.
- Fake a cramp: Tell her it was leg day at the gym and you pushed it really hard. Maybe she'll volunteer to give you a massage. That kind of human contact will usually get your little soldier standing at attention and back into the game. If not, hey, at least you got a massage.
- Eat longer: Yeah, no metaphor at all to this one...you gonna have to eat your way out this problem. Just tell her you aim to please and keep on going. You might buy an extra two to three minutes.
Again, these depend on the girl you are with and if you have a keeper or just a "sport fish".
- Sickness in the Family: Blame it on your family! First you stop...you say, "I'm sorry, I really want this to happen, but I'm a bit distracted. I got a call right before you got here, my grandfathers back in the hospital". No way she gives you a hard time (giggity)
- Go emotional: This one is not a good option, only in times of extreme duress....tell her you wanna know where the relationship is going...if there is a real chance for you to be together. Yeah I know, punk. But hell, what else can you do?
Now this last option is for those only with deep swagger and only to be used on a girl you don't care about.
- Sidechick: Sorry, I just got done smashing like 30 minutes ago. I thought we'd kick it first so I can recover. Now one of two things will happen, she'll slap you and walk out...or she'll accept her place, and get you a gatorade.
No matter what path you take, it's not an easy one to travel when the old tallywackle won't cooperate with you. But, there is one option that I will leave you with. VIAGRA. Oh I know, you're too much of a man to use Viagra. You'll take Creatine and drink muscle milk to help build your body....you'll buy $150 sneakers so you can run faster and jump higher on the basketball court....but you won't take a pill that makes you harder and last longer??? Granted a pair of Kobe's won't disturb your eye sight, but I digress. It's yo world...just remember...if you trying to get down...you gotta get up!