MANSCAPING: MY FIRST JOURNEY
So here I am, standing at a crossroads that all men find themselves at some point in their life. In my right hand I hold a pair of clippers, Wahl, 26 piece adjustable clippers with 13 guide tips. It’s grooming time. What will no doubt end hauntingly bad starts with the upmost of good intentions. “Nobody wants an untidy man”, I say to myself. So it is only logical that I taper things a bit. No man in his right man would proceed with what is about to take place, but these actions are usually the reaction of one simple opinion. A woman’s opinion. So, let me preface this story.
I’m on a hot date with a very sexy young lady. Things are progressing in the sexual manner and it becomes clear to me that it’s about to go down. We get back to her place 2 hours later, (I’m lying), she climaxes four times (still lying) and we pass out on the bed. As we lay there in our sweaty nakedness she looks down at my man region, depleted from sexual warfare. She looks at it for a while and then says, “Why is it so hairy”? A question I was not prepared for….I mean after all, how many penis’ do I have to compare my hairiness to? Does she think that’s what guys do? Do you think we sit at the gym and show off our junk and then discuss an appropriate level of bush? Nonetheless I answered the only way I could. “I didn’t know I was”? “You should trim it down”, she says, and then she goes to sleep.
Now of course I can’t sleep, this chick has just rocked my world. Which brings us now to our current situation; Me, completely naked, standing in front of the mirror, with hair clippers in my hand. I started off slowly in the safest region possible, trimming the hair from my chest and working my way down to my stomach. Except for the cold metal of the blade, this was not too unpleasant of an experience. Once my mid section was done I became a little nervous. Standing there in the nude, clippers in hand, I just looked down at my old friend Captain Dickums, (that’s what I call my penis). It was almost as if my penis could speak as I stared down at him, he even stared back at me with this look saying, “What the f*ck are you about to do to me”.
“Sorry Captain Dickums, but you need a hair cut my friend”. As I turned the blades on the humming seemed so loud you would think I was shaving in a bee hive. As I watched hairball after hairball fall to the ground, it reminded of watching National Geographic when they show the destruction of the Rainforest. That’s how emotionally intense this experience was like. Now here comes the real problem that I should have settled before I started. How far am I supposed to take this? When you walk into a barber shop, the barber asks, “how far you want me to take this fade down”? And then they do so according to your instructions.
However, this time I was the barber, and I had no answer for that question. It started off with me just doing the top part of my region, but as I looked in the mirror I could not help but notice that my groin now looked like a black man with a bald head and a full beard. “Am I suppose to do under the balls too”? This isn’t a question I feel comfortable enough to call a friend and ask, so I was forced to my only other option…..Google. But unfortunately, I just ended up at some porn site where fat girls banged old dudes.
So I had no choice but to fix the situation on my own. As I trimmed one side I couldn’t help but notice the other side does not look even. Well I am most definitely not going to pull my pants down and have some girl laughing at my uneven penis fade. No sir, not me. So I evened the other side, then again, then again, and then again, until at last…..my beard was completely gone. I went from bushy bush, to bald. Staring at him, looking like a newborn puppy, I slapped my head. “Yep, this just happened”. I couldn’t help but notice now that I could feel every breeze of air that traveled by, as I dressed for the day I felt very uncomfortable in my cotton briefs. This was definitely not the look for me.
Over time I got better at my manscaping and managed to find a decent level that works well for me. In fact, I’d say I was a manscaping artist. If there was a contest for it I would win states baby. I wonder if there are penis hair barber’s out there? What if you could go to the barber and get fades for both heads. What if you could get a part in your penis fade, or your jersey number or something…..ok, I’m off topic, I digress. There are a lot of memorable first time’s in a man’s life; The first time he has sex, his first car, his first love, but for me, I will never, ever, ever forget…..the first time I shaved my balls.