I have done some very extensive research on female personalities, and by extensive research, I mean dating tons and tons of very hot chicks….ok, a few fat girls too, but I was really drunk and they don’t count. But in this extensive research I have found that every girl has at least three personalities. That’s not to say they don’t have more, but there are your three basics that every girl has: The girl you meet, the girl you’re dating, and the girl on her period. Wait, before you get outraged, let me explain, and then get outraged.
THE GIRL YOU MEET
It’s a classic moment isn’t fellas? You’re going through your day, not even expecting to bump into the girl of your dreams. Then out of nowhere, there she is, Mrs. Right. She’s gorgeous, I mean everything a guy likes, amazing eyes, hair is flawless, perky wonderful breasts, a nice round ass, oh man, she is the one. The world slows down as you levitate towards her and introduce yourself. And wow, she loves everything you love, she laughs at your jokes, she watches the movies you watch. You get her number and you guys start talking and all the conversations are wonderful. You talk about life, and family, religion, love, whatever comes up. This girl is awesome. She even doesn’t mind you hanging out with your boys or playing video games. You get home a little late, no big deal, she understands. What a special girl. You call your boys up, “man, she’s it for me man, I’m done, I’m out the game”. Ladies, when a man tells his buddies he is putting up the “player’s card” that is almost as romantic as him purposing marriage. I met this girl, and my whole life is changing.
THE GIRL YOU ARE DATING
Months have gone by now, maybe even a year, my how things have changed. Those pretty eyes you liked, contacts. That hair you liked, extensions. She still got them titties right? Nope, push up bra; she was faking a full cup size. She’s no longer the girl you met anymore, because titles change everything, and she wears a new title now. This is my “girlfriend”. Your girlfriend wants to know where the hell you was last night and why you aint call her back. She also thinks your since of humor is crude and childish and wants you to stop watching Chappelle Show all damn day. This personality is what I like to refer to as the detective. Because at this point she begins to consider the fact she could be with you a long time, and whatever she does not like about you, must be fixed. This personality becomes highly critical of everything you do. Stop scraping your teeth on the fork, slow down when you drive, get off the damn video game! Sound familiar guys? She’s suspicious about everything. “Were you looking at that girl’s ass over there”? “Who is this chick on your facebook page?” This girl is trouble.
THE GIRL ON HER PERIOD
This is the chick you want to back slap. I imagine this was the chick Rihanna was right before Chris Brown went upside her head, this is the chick from “Thin Line between Love and Hate”, or all of the females from “Waiting to Exhale”. Everything is bad with this chick. You ever been sitting on the couch, and you slightly turn your head and you see your girl looking at you like she is planning your death? That’s her! You can’t do a damn thing right. You pee too loud. You overcook the chicken. The TV is too loud. You even breathe too loud. They invented Happy Hours because of this chick. Seriously, look up the history of Happy Hour. Back when men used to work and women stayed at home, men needed a break from work but also a break from going home to a complaining as woman….thus Happy Hour was created.
They all have three personalities. There is no avoiding it, unless you want to date men. And I’m pretty sure there are a few gay men out there who just couldn’t handle the three personalities and gave up. But don’t worry ladies; I’m sticking with your crazy asses. I just gotta find me a woman where all her personalities are in love with me and only me.