BEING A DICK

I was watching a movie, the title escapes me…but I remember a line a woman had when talking to a man and referring to his penis….”I don’t know how you guys live with that thing between your legs”. What a great line and a genuine observation. Having a dick ain’t easy. I mean sure we can pee just about anywhere comfortably, but besides that, it can be really annoying. To provide more insight, Innocent Thoughts of a Guilty Man presents: " Being a Dick".



int. apartment bedroom - day

DAVID ANTHONY wakes up to the sound of his facebook messenger going off. DICK is also up due to what he calls, "Morning Wood".

DICK
Hey, hey, I see you up.

DAVID ANTHONY
I see you're up too.

DICK
Damn right I'm up. You know what we should do today?

DAVID ANTHONY
What's that Dick?

DICK
The same thing I tell you to do everyday. Try and get some ass.

DAVID ANTHONY
You know what Dick. I'm not in the mood for your shit today. I have a lot to get done. I have no idea what I am going to write for today's blog, I've got to get to work, and I we don't have any prospects to get some ass. So be quiet.

DICK
Well you need to get off your ass and go find some ass, because I'm tired of being jerked around here.

DAVID ANTHONY
Eat a dick Dick.

int. corporate office - day (later)
David Anthony works diligently at his desk when Dick, unprovoked, decides he's going to stand up and speak.

DICK
What the f*ck are you doing?

DAVID ANTHONY
I'm working Dick.

DICK
Working on bagging some hoes?

DAVID ANTHONY
No Dick. I don't want any hoes, I want someone special.

DICK
Every woman with a vagina is special to me.

DAVID ANTHONY
We know Dick. We know.

DICK
I'm just saying, you exercise your body on the regular, why can't I get my "exercise"?

DAVID ANTHONY
Seriously, this is an office, it's not the time for you to be parading around.

DICK
I don't give f*ck where we at. You shouldn't have worn these pants, you know they rub me right.

DAVID ANTHONY
I look good in these pants.

DICK
No, I look good in these pants.

DAVID ANTHONY
Go away Dick!

int. bar - happy hour - evening
David Anthony sits at the bar having a drink. Several drinks. A pretty girl sits next to him.

DICK
I smell vagina.

DAVID ANTHONY
Easy Dick. Be cool. We're only here for a few drinks.

DICK
Nah, screw that. Do your thing.

DAVID ANTHONY
Absolutely not. Brain, please tell Dick to shut the hell up.
BRAIN is drunk.

BRAIN
Huh, what? Oh, um...nah Dick is right...you should say hello.

DAVID ANTHONY
Dammit. I hate when you two are working together. That's it. We're going home.

BRAIN
Nooooooo don't be such a baby.

DICK
Come on man seriously, we are way to sexy not to be getting any.

DAVID ANTHONY
Both of you guys suck. I'm out.
David Anthony leaves the bar.

int. apartment bedroom - night
David Anthony gets ready for bed.

DICK
You know what? The next time you get some ass, I'm gonna act up.

DAVID ANTHONY
You better not.

DICK
You don't control me. I'm gonna come real quick and go to sleep.

DAVID ANTHONY
Dick don't make me beat you.

DICK
Oh you'd like that wouldn't you ya self abuser?

David Anthony lays down.
DAVID ANTHONY
Good night Dick.

DICK
Yeah whatever. Get some sleep, you are going to need it for tomorrow.

DAVID ANTHONY
Why, what are we going to do tomorrow?

DICK
The same thing I try to do every day fool, try and get some ass.

David Anthony goes to sleep.
THE END.

*special shout out to Chris Brown for that hilarious picture*


*Innocent Thoughts of a Guilty Man*


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