FAKE LOVE...

I wondered what made it so simple for me. What made it so easy to fall.. fall for her...and her.. and her... I had to believe that it was the understood expiration date of this thing. Did it make her more attractive to me? Was I more attractive to her? It’s the kind of care free mindset you have with a rental car that you have the insurance for... you can drive with reckless abandon, you don't have to worry about changing the tires or the oil, and you just hop in, drive it around, and return it when you are done. Vacation love is unlimited...and yet.. with limits.

That’s what I was for her, a nice convertible mustang of a man she could show off to her friends via photos on Instagram. The best thing about vacation love was that we only had to hit all the highlights of a relationship, we only had to live the good moments. All the things we have grown to enjoy and miss being alone, we would provide for each other. So she reached back for my hand as we walked through the crowds. We huddled up closely in the bar as if we didn’t need to socialize with anyone but each other; we were there to get lost in the crowd.

I wrapped my arms around her as we danced and allowed her to feel my chest; she was enamored with the sound of my heart beat. I guess you can miss that in a relationship, the sound of a beating heart that loves you. We lay in her hotel bed watching shows on her phone, knowing the moment we stepped on the floor we would have to go back to reality. But in that bed, that bed was our sanctuary. A safe place for our dreams and our wishes of love that we could share and be vulnerable before we entered back into the cold cruel world. I’ll remember every smile we shared in our secret relationship, the look a woman can give you, the look she gave, as if I brought fulfillment into her life... a look I hadn’t seen in so long. A look that reminded me that if I chose to be, if I truly rededicated myself, I could be a good man again.

I’ll never forget your intimacy, your touch, the smell of cocoa butter on your skin, and the sweet berry fragrance of your hair. You were a magical gift to me, our small weekend of fake love. But if the feeling it gives us is real, is the love fake. Can strangers create a strong enough feeling that makes it real? I’d like to think we did... just a rental car, but hopefully one that took you to new places.... and familiar ones too. I guess the only. bad thing is that if we were to break the rules of vacation love, you would have to break glass in which the real me hides behind, and see me for who I am, what I have become....in order to truly understand my innocent thoughts, you have to also understand the guilty man.